it won't stop

... my chemistry cd and my negativity that is. my chemistry cd has been playing non-stop for near one full day now.... and it still won't stop!! i totally hooked to the wonderful album... given that there's really LOTS of trashy albums out there... sometimes i guess... piracy is just something that was born because of all these... nowhere-near-good products. i mean... some artists... they can't sing.. they don't even look that good! but yet they get to have their own cds and everything... the money should be given to support some really good artists who unfortunately... didn't manage to catch the eyes of the record companies with their wonderful talent but lacked in the looks department. so many good artists are lost because of these. wake up companies!!!

i sound bitter, huh?

anyway...i watched the show returner yesterday...starring the ever-swooning takeshi kaneshiro.. and the pixie-lookalike suzuki anne... and well... what can i say?? the show totally sucked. takeshi looked really good inside.. with the matrix-inspired black trench coat and the sexy voice...but that couldn't save the almost non-existent plot. ( it involves aliens...gasp! ) .. looking at suzuki anne just makes me wanna kill myself.. i mean... let's see...she's 15 when she did this show with one of the most eligible bachelor in asia.. and what was i doing when i was 15? man...i was in year 3 of my pathetic secondary school... juggling my orchestra commitments and studies ... and obviously didn't do a good job out of it.. .and was fat and pathetic (well i still am now)... and even now...when i'm 19...things just got worst... and that brings me to one of my favourite japanese artiste...mika nakashima. she's 19 now and was singing at the 53rd Kouhaku Uta Gassen!!

someone kill me.

yesterday night.. i watched for the first time... a full episode of frasier and in a long time...whose line is it anyway. and boy did i laugh!! whose line is it anyway has always been a favourite but it's irritating that the tv station always puts it at some... crazy times... good thing it's on a saturday or i'll die from lack of sleep.

talking about death due to tv... i guess it really is coming soon. my favourite korean drama the hotelier is finally re-running on tv... i missed a whole lot of it and how i regret it.. .but it's at 11.30pm on weekdays! i can imagine all the pain i have to go through when i wake up in the morning ... dragging myself out of bed.

whoever is there... bless me.

listening to: chemistry -- back together again

kimi wo sagashiteta

... and that's i'd been searching for you in japanese... by my favourite japanese duo, Chemistry. i just bought their cd after a long time ( i don't know why the hell i was deliberating all this while...it deserves my spending on it!!!! ) this song is really nice and sweet... no prize for guessing why the full title's kimi wo sagashiteta ~ the wedding song ~... here's a sample of the lyrics...

Always, always by your side
Here, closer than anyone else
With these feelings, stronger than anything
I'll always protect you
I'd been searching for you

if... IF i ever get married.. i will take this as my wedding song. ho ho ho.

i got moved back to my old place at work today...and hopefully my supervisor won't throw me into some deserted corner again.. though my noise level is going on the high side since irene and karyen's sitting next to me. i'm trying to control.. but that's pretty hard eh. haha... anyway... karyen took a half-day leave today so all that was left were irene and me... and so we began chatting... about everything under the sun.. and i just shot everything at her... she was pretty surprised.. and was left in awe... or so she said... about the extent of negativity in me and the weird... plain wacko thoughts...i guess i scared her quite a bit.

i don't know.. i can't tell some of the friends which i've just known about things like that... cuz i don't think they will see me as normal anymore once they know exactly what's inside of me. i'm glad irene is able to accept this. haha... i asked if i should change since even i think that i'm too... dark and .. passive. she says yes... but then i realized that .. i hate changes!

i'm not a good person. i'm doing everything in the wrong way.. i'm treating my life as a joke. and i hate it when people around me are happy while i'm not. look at me... does that sound like what a good person will do? i'm always jealous... always revengeful.. always not at peace with everything. ...it sometimes just seems like i'm about to reach my threshold and just blow up. irene says it's all because i haven't found my other one yet. but given the weak character that i have... even his appearance won't help i guess.

i'd been searching for you.
when will you come to me?

never. i guess.

listening to: chemistry -- kimi wo sagashiteta ~ the wedding song ~

like a flowing river

... a japanese movie i watched in the afternoon on tv.

the cast was all made up of old men and women.. who surprisingly... looked pretty... good...esp the male and female lead. the lady aged gracefully and is everything i wanna be when i'm 60. one look at the male lead.. and you know he was eye-candy when he's younger. the only young person around in the whole show was hideaki takizawa... i was so surprised... and he looked so good! the first scene which he appeared as akira...it was raining and it was the funeral of his sister.. so it was an all-black affair.. and he held on to his sister's picture... and walked through the rain... he looked up to the female lead, who was sitting in the bus with such a look that just oozed of pain and sadness.

i nearly died.

i thought it was going to be bloody boring. but surprise surprise... i ended with tears in my eyes.... on my face, to be exact. it's about yuriko ( this aged lady) who suddenly gave up everything in tokyo to go back to this old village. being free-spirited, the old villagers there didn't quite liked her at first... after all ... she wore bright colours ( another character , yuki said old people cannot and should not wear red.) and was from tokyo ( they think tokyo's very warped...after all ... akira's sister went to tokyo and ended up dead... think she met some unpleasant stuffs while there...). but eventually she managed to make everyone change their views about growing old and coping with it.

we should just do what we want, what we wish.

but little known to them...yuriko is suffering from cancer and is in the terminal stage...she only has three months left and had come back specially to apologize. that's all because sixty years ago, her father, the head of the fishermen in that village, made everyone go out to sea on a stormy night...knowing that if they do not go out to sea, they will lose their means of livelihood. in the end... no one came back from that fateful night. all the villagers put the blame on yuriko and her mother and they had to leave. yuriko was regretful that she could not say goodbye to her friends then so she came back.

at first... some of them couldn't accept her and was pretty hostile but in the end... they eventually came to terms with it and they all became good friends again. too bad yuriko later died from her illness and she shot a video for them.. telling them all about how she was feeling through the years..

i believe if we don't say "goodbye", we'll always meet again. now i can say goodbye to all of you.

i cried at some of the parts...it just tug at your heartstrings and you couldn't help it. akira didn't come out much... but i guess his existence is to show that everyone.. anyone can have their own problems, no matter what they are. he was hesitant about going to america to learn photography...something which he really wanted to do. yuriko encouraged him to go for it and then he went to pursue his dreams.

when i come back in the summer next year, i'll take your picture in front of the sakura tree.

but he doesn't know she's dying. and it was really sad at this part.

well.. i guess that's what the whole thing is trying to say... a song which yuriko sang in her video for her friends goes....life is like the river flowing...it won't stop...

my river...is twisted, warped and stormy. just like some choppy sea. i know i'm making this all up. my problems are all self-induced and i'm drowning in my own... paranoia and insecurity. i'm just making my own life miserable. i don't enjoy doing this but this is a habit that's hard to break. sometimes... i wonder... what's my problems compared to others?

you can't compare happiness

yeah then surely i can compare pain.. right? my pain...whether self-inflicted or from outer forces....are topping the pain meters. i can drown in my own blood that's draining from my heart. it gushes out and slaps me in the face...telling me to go to hell.

to hell it shall be then.

listening to: shinhwa -- deep sorrow

too sad... too soon.

well..yet another two left work today... lynn and sinmi. it wasn't really sad... except that i guess i'll miss sinmi more than i will about lynn... cuz.. well.. hmmm.. .i guess i like sinmi better. i went out with her twice.. and she's just a very nice person... i can feel free to talk about anything with her. but with lynn? hmmm.. it's pretty pressurizing. i ain't disliking her or anything.. but i just.. feel very tensed and burden around her. one wrong word.. and you become a joke of hers. and the way she talk.. i don't know.. she speaks in an american slang... well not exactly slang.. but the way she speaks.. the words she uses.. the sentence structures she constructs her sentences in... it's very very american. actually.. i do speak like that.. but not on default. the only person whom i can speak to and accept her talking in this way is valerie. only valerie.

and so all of us took some pictures before we left for dinner... and kailing.. the one whom we have the least contact with .. ground-breakingly took the pictures with us too... well... she's pretty nice too.. but sometimes i'm just a bit intimidated .. cuz she seem... aggressive. right.. i realized i'm easily intimidated by everyone...anyone! oh but she couldn't join us cuz she's going to watch X-Men 2...i wanna watch that too... though i'm pretty sick of all the hype about wolverine ( my favourite's rouge... cuz she's hot and has a cool streak of white hair) and it probably has a non-existent plot ( don't kill me, die-hard X-Men fans.) . but i'll still watch it. for the sake of... watching it.

we had dinner at kenny rogers....a restaurant that i've plainly been to too many times in too short a period. i just went there , like... last week? all the maceroni cheese is making me FAT! i swear... to the rain. .to the sky.. to the moon... to... the trees that i will start dieting tomorrow. i WILL. ok right.. so all of us were there except lynn and her... we-are-holding-hands-but-we-are-not-romantically-involved photographer friend. that's where all the questions set in. how can you hold hands with a .. normal friend? and why the hell would he wanna be around some girls whom he absolutely don't know at all? ah..there are just some things in the universe which we cannot ever fathom.

and fate... something that always leave us in awe. plus lynn and her un-fathomable friend.. we had 8 of us.. me , sinmi , irene, karyen , zetti and qiuling. and the manager at the restaurant ( i hate him. he acts like a woman.. at least i think so . ) told us.. " we only have a table for six and a table for two. " ... we're like.. good good good! in the end.. they came late and they decided not to eat and go taking photos instead... yet another thing i cannot understand. totally. but i will not try. anyway.. when they came and were sorta like stuck outside..we acted like nothing happened... until irene said " this looks bad... we looked like nothing is happening. " so i said " oh... let's look sad. " then when they walked off.. i said " oh.. now we don't have a chance to look sad anymore."

irene then asked me " why are you so pissed?" ... and that was like...a slap in my face. i wasn't pissed.. i just felt like saying something bad. and that made me look.. even.. worst. haha...sorry yeah. haha.

well then... we took a lot of photos.. i look so fat in them... but all in all.. it was a good day.. a good dinner. too bad i have to go now.. my brother is screaming at me. something's very wrong with him. he's either getting dumped by his on-off-so-many-times-no-one-can-count girlfriend or... heck.

who cares?

listening to: ayumi hamasaki -- i am...

in the mood

...for poetry... prose and love... all while munching on my cookies.

how do you know when love has come? i mean.. true love? does it.. hit you in the face and then you just suddenly exclaim in your heart... This IS love! or does it slowly.. silently.. but surely.. creeps into the hidden crackline of your weary heart and blossoms into the prettiest flower a man will ever see in his whole life? would it be full of tribulations or will it be a peaceful path of discovery? or so said.. to part is such sweet sorrow... will the departure of love ever be sweet? or will it be so bitter.. that one will never be able to swallow as long as he shall live?

people say... the greatest distance in the world.. is when i'm standing in front of you... and you don't know that i love you. i say... the greatest misery... would be that we're both in love... but we cannot be together. i have yet to experience that feeling when your heart just tears into two... bathing in a sea of pain and misery. i am weak.. for i have no courage to even think of such a happening. i am weak.. for i have no courage to venture into the path of love and happiness. i am weak.

why is it that someone could wander into a different route .. leading to another adventure of love when the other road has just ended? don't they need time to heal the wounds that hurt so much? or is it that they never put their heart into this path.. and thus it doesn't hurt as much? then why, why did they even want to go onto this road since it would lead them nowhere eventually? did they not know? or did they choose to ignore this foreword?

i looked at you...i was waiting for you to tell me everything about love. everything you knew about love. but you chose to wander into other routes. you chose to close my gates and turn away from me. i did not cry... nor was i devastated. for i knew this would be so. all because it is. my road... is hard to venture in. my road... rocky... uneven and twisted. my road... or perhaps... i would have turned you away at the gates even if you chose to walk into me. for you would not last. so i watched you walked away... i could not speak. i could not call out to you.. come back... come back...

i could dance no more. for you have trampled on my world. i watched it as it broke into pieces.. i heard it as it shattered in the air. i felt it when it cut me so.

and thus i walk alone. when will the road end? where will it lead me? i do not know. i only know that you would never come back. never.

wow..and that was a long, bloody piece of crap. haha.. i guess i'm going a little crazy.. for sometimes.. or often.. too many a times.. i feel so detached from the people around me. call me jealous... call me anything... but i'm just not on the same frequency as they do. they talk about .. clothes... guys.. makeup even.. while i'm battling with how not to self-mutilate both myself and others around me. sometimes... i just can't click.

am i too... dark? i don't know.. i'm warping into a vain bitc* and that is freakin me out. i'm fine about the bitc* part though.. i've always been bitc*y. but the vain part? that's what's scarin me. i'm too ... strange.. you know? i can't accept changes like this. and thus i have to remind myself to go back to what i am.. as before.

but right now... i'm just trying to ignore everything.

silence. mute. sshh.

listening to : coldplay -- the scientist

lady luck

...is not on my side. i had this... crazy urge to make some cookies today... but hell.. things go wrong much when you least expect them too! i prepared my flour... my butter... and while wanting to add the egg halfway through mixing... i realized i didn't have any eggs at home! i was TOTALLY pissed... cuz when i didn't need them... eggs were like the... item that has the most abundance in my bloody kitchen! and thus... i had to go to some... deserted store to get them .. and when i got there... " so sorry.. we've run out of eggs..maybe you wanna try the store at the other block? " .... i SWEAR i almost screamed at the poor man for not selling eggs ... but being the "inplosive" person i am... i just smiled and walked off...cursing and swearing in me.

thanks to the korean dramas i've watched recently...i've gotten the habit.. of having that... if you've watched enough...you'll realize that the females inside..always have this standard look whenever they are angry or pissed.. or basically just feeling bloodily bad. i can't believe i'm having the same reaction... but that's not the point.

while walking back home...with that expression on my face... i almost slipped into a drain! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY LUCK!!!! by this time.. i was about to smash my eggs on the neigbouring cars...start screaming at the top of my lungs... look like a total crazy woman and be prepared to get locked up for at least a night in the police post for misbehaviour. right... but i was still rational enough to come back... dump the eggs into the mixture and prepare to clean up a huge mess..

and yes.. while the others didn't happen. .. the huge mess does exist. it's still in my kitchen.. my mum's nagging at me to clean it up .. but i can't leave my comfort zone in front of my keyboard. and the thought of battling with the gooey mixture...the greasy butter just gives the headache. but if i don't go any sooner.. my mum's nagging with probably blow my brain... literally.

anyway...work was a chore. i almost fell asleep at my desk.. and had to rely on zetti to keep me awake. we shared ghost stories and ghastly encounters...and i realized that i'm that fortunate to encounter a lot of such stuffs. lucky me (fingers crossed). and today..irene's friend whom i totally DISLIKED threw tantrums ...again. we were sitting together when she suddenly stood up.. bang her chair and walked off. what was that?! a display of anti-social attitude? right... and i was silently betting she'll come back in a while.. since her attitude won't bring her far... and bingo! she was back in less than half an hour. that was a very lowly act... considering that i would hold her in higher esteem if she held on with her act and NOT return. too bad.. she diminished that little hope of me not condemning her. burn in hell.

i'm bored...i got news that me.. irene and karyen they all will most probably be given the sack in the next couple of weeks. great.. i've been waiting so that i can officially stay at home and slack and rebut my mum..." but mum... i wanted to work! it's just that they're not giving me the chance to do so!"

right.

listening to : blue -- she told me

anger management

...was one helluva class today! man.. what can i say.. i totally love the show. it's not the highest grossing april opening in america's history for no reason! i enjoyed myself from beginning to the end. it was pretty much slapstick humour.. but it wasn't tasteless as the other adam sandler's shows.. like for example.. waterboy. i don't know.. i didn't like that one very much... and this is just as nice as the wedding singer ... jack nicholson was wonderful as the crazy buddy rydell.. got me into stitches so many times! whenever he smiles and look so sinister-like... i can't help but get reminded of him as the infamous " joker " .... and i LOVE the song they sang together... the westside story's " i feel pretty " ... they sang pretty well, to my surprise. oh but actually adam sandler proved that he could sing after the wedding singer's " grow old with you " or something... man.. that singing part... right in the middle of the busy road... was just great. i love that song!

and the cameos by woody harrelson and heather graham was nice too... the latter is wicked as candra... who almost "chocolate" dave (adam sandler) to death.. that got me man! even the ex-new york mayor... (if i'm not wrong) rudolph guiliani (it was really him right?) was.. pretty cool! i mean.. i really think he's cool ever since the 911 incident.. so calm and everything... and the show.. although very crude and .. nasty sometimes...actually, most of the time... is still very very enjoyable.. i don't know...other shows just does them so distastefully...

anyway.. .the part where buddy and dave went to see the latter's boss... and buddy just couldn't get the boss' name right... then dave shouted: " HIS NAME IS FRANK!!!!!! " ... my friend turned to me immediately and told me: " this is just like what YOU will do. " i couldn't disagree... cuz that's oh so true.

after the show .. i went out with my friend.. and i bought a wallet.. a long wallet.. it wasn't my first choice.. i was eyeing another one from b.u.m equipment.. but i wasn't ready to compromise with the color.. they didn't have black.. only light blue and pink.. so i got my second choice.. a very shiny wallet.. which i trust i will have spend a lot of time cleaning at the end of every day.

today.. i watched speed ... again! for the sixth time! haha.. i'm really into this show.. cuz keanu reeves just looked SOOO good inside...even better than Neo in matrix.. but neo's cool of couse. i love this show... totally.. i could watch it a hundred times... and i will.. if the tv station won't get newer shows and stop repeating all the movies everytime.

i'm working on my personal homepage... fiddling with some flash stuff ... and totally lost about how to add nice background music into it. this will be like... my last homepage... i hope i can keep it... if i can even get it started.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay ( it's bright actually. haha)