in the mood

...for poetry... prose and love... all while munching on my cookies.

how do you know when love has come? i mean.. true love? does it.. hit you in the face and then you just suddenly exclaim in your heart... This IS love! or does it slowly.. silently.. but surely.. creeps into the hidden crackline of your weary heart and blossoms into the prettiest flower a man will ever see in his whole life? would it be full of tribulations or will it be a peaceful path of discovery? or so said.. to part is such sweet sorrow... will the departure of love ever be sweet? or will it be so bitter.. that one will never be able to swallow as long as he shall live?

people say... the greatest distance in the world.. is when i'm standing in front of you... and you don't know that i love you. i say... the greatest misery... would be that we're both in love... but we cannot be together. i have yet to experience that feeling when your heart just tears into two... bathing in a sea of pain and misery. i am weak.. for i have no courage to even think of such a happening. i am weak.. for i have no courage to venture into the path of love and happiness. i am weak.

why is it that someone could wander into a different route .. leading to another adventure of love when the other road has just ended? don't they need time to heal the wounds that hurt so much? or is it that they never put their heart into this path.. and thus it doesn't hurt as much? then why, why did they even want to go onto this road since it would lead them nowhere eventually? did they not know? or did they choose to ignore this foreword?

i looked at you...i was waiting for you to tell me everything about love. everything you knew about love. but you chose to wander into other routes. you chose to close my gates and turn away from me. i did not cry... nor was i devastated. for i knew this would be so. all because it is. my road... is hard to venture in. my road... rocky... uneven and twisted. my road... or perhaps... i would have turned you away at the gates even if you chose to walk into me. for you would not last. so i watched you walked away... i could not speak. i could not call out to you.. come back... come back...

i could dance no more. for you have trampled on my world. i watched it as it broke into pieces.. i heard it as it shattered in the air. i felt it when it cut me so.

and thus i walk alone. when will the road end? where will it lead me? i do not know. i only know that you would never come back. never.

wow..and that was a long, bloody piece of crap. haha.. i guess i'm going a little crazy.. for sometimes.. or often.. too many a times.. i feel so detached from the people around me. call me jealous... call me anything... but i'm just not on the same frequency as they do. they talk about .. clothes... guys.. makeup even.. while i'm battling with how not to self-mutilate both myself and others around me. sometimes... i just can't click.

am i too... dark? i don't know.. i'm warping into a vain bitc* and that is freakin me out. i'm fine about the bitc* part though.. i've always been bitc*y. but the vain part? that's what's scarin me. i'm too ... strange.. you know? i can't accept changes like this. and thus i have to remind myself to go back to what i am.. as before.

but right now... i'm just trying to ignore everything.

silence. mute. sshh.

listening to : coldplay -- the scientist