naze(why)

ever get the kind of feeling where you realized that you don't deserve to be leading the good.. or so it seems...life that you are leading? when you see someone suffering and there's nothing you can do and you just feel like... you don't deserve everything that you have? ever felt like the world around you is changing and you are still in your comfort zone, unable to take a step out? ever been in a situation where your mum is crying her guts out and you are just so sick and tired of everyone...yet you can do nothing about it....you don't even know how to get her to stop ..how to set things straight again. or just plainly.. you get so sick of EVERYTHING you just wanna end it all?

i get these ALL THE TIME.

yep... no mistakes about it... ALL THE TIME. everytime i look at my sister.. i think.. why the hell did things come into this...stage/mode/whatever it is? you see everyone around yourself having a good time... you realized you are into the prime of your youth.. you realized that this is the perfect, golden period of your life... but you are just so damn held back. by what? by everything....BY EVERYONE. you cannot enjoy... you cannot see the colour of your life. you are being struck with the cruelities of life. you are stuck in a situation where death gets so near to you. stress.... pressure.. tension.. it just builds up. it's just waiting for any moment to strike you in the face and watch you fall to your death.

take the plunge.

every breath starts to become so precious cuz you never know when's your last. you start to get paranoid... wondering if you will ever be part of it....wondering if the grim reaper has decided to pull this stunt on you. if so.. when? how? beautiful isn't it? the uncertainties of life. that's what makes it so interesing, isn't it? there's no turning back... it's just there.

so what have you done to deserve all this? nothing. you don't have to do a thing. you can only assume that yourself, in probably the last era did something VERY undesirable to get all these crap, thrown at your face. you can only sit .. in the whirlpool of fate... waiting for it to bring you down. a wonderful world isn't it? you are chained by your destiny. you feel helpless. you sit there... looking at all the happenings but can do nothing to stop them. good or bad.. they just go on.

ah...i get that all the time.

ALL THE TIME.

listening to: tension -- every step

game no na wa...yuukai (name of the game....kidnap)

ah...and that's a detective novel by a japanese author, higashino keigo. well...i've heard about this book and this author because the above mentioned book is going to be adapted into a full-feature film starring naohito fujiki (!!!!) and yukie nakama, a female actress whom i've grown to like quite a bit. and reading from all the synopsis... i have a good feeling about this show... haha..

the story goes ... naohito fujiki plays a high-flyer ad producer (complete with intelligence, looks and style. haha) whose plan, for the first time, was rejected by this director of a very important car company. well.. furious, he goes on to kidnap the latter's daughter (yukie nakama). thus, begins a battle of wits between naohito and the director, while naohito himself falls in love with the woman he kidnapped.

ah... sounds suspiciously like ewan mcgregor and cameron diaz's a life less ordinary, isn't it? but heck... anything is good as long as fujiki naohito is displaying his charm and brains. ( hey.. he graduated from waseda university, one of the top technological uni in japan, plays the guitar, writes all the songs in his album and can sing pretty well.... ah..... ) heard he's all decked out in branded stuffs for the show.. ah.. how nice.. i can't wait! too bad i can't read japanese... or i would have bought the book off the net... it raised quite a few headlines when it was released cuz.. the japs seldom had books that is written from the criminal's point of view. haha.... how exciting! i shall master japanese and get the book! haha...

ah..what an unexciting week. anyway.. i had dinner with a primary school friend on tuesday. that's two days ago.. wanted to write that down but i was tooo absorbed with my antique show to do so. haha. anyway, it was pretty horrendous. ok.. maybe just the beginning was horrendous. haha.. cuz we had nothing to talk about! i mean.. you haven't seen this friend in maybe... 6 months...with only icq chat during this period and suddenly you guys meet for dinner? ah.. that's pretty weird isn't it? when we started talking... i don't know if it's me or if it's just him who can't seem to look at me when talking to me. haha.. well.. actually.. same here! cuz... it's just so.. weird.

well... fortunately the food was good (crepes at marche) and we managed to talk about some of our school life and our old friends.. thus breaking the ice.. and making the whole thing... less weird. on our way home.. we didn't talk at all on the bus. he was watching tvmobile while i was listening to my md.. (makihara noriyuki...mr.children...chitose hajime...) pretty pathetic.

and the moment i got home.. everyone was like... ah? you're home so early? i was like... yes! the food was finished.. couldn't eat anymore.. so i came back? hello?

haha... and my mum kept asking me.. just a dinner right? not a date right? and stuffs like that. hahaa....

yes mum... yes mum.. unless he's like naohito fujiki/fukuyama masaharu/kurama/yukito....

haha.. i'm glad... other than comic characters.. i could finally identify with human beings.

but that only means .. i'm out-of-touch with reality.

i'm single for life. haha.

listening to: fujiki naohito -- tenshi no niji (angel's rainbow)

youthful days

well.. i've been hesitating to come write in my blog cuz i wanted to wait til i finish my latest japanese drama, antique before coming here...

i'm now finishing the show... 3 more discs to go and it's over... and til now.. i've been enjoying the show entirely... totally... absolutely! the fact that it's adapted from a comic makes the whole show very very interesting cuz of how some parts are presented...captions will appear on the screen.. depicting on some of the feelings of the characters.. but right now.. let me do some introduction.. although no one may be interested but.. heck.. go somewhere else if you aren't hahaa

kanda eiji(takizawa hideaki...with very very nice coloured hair) is a talented boxer who's an up-and-coming star in the boxing arena. unfortunately, all the battles has caused damage to his eyes and he had no choice but to leave. (ah..sounds just like what tsuyoshi dohmoto faced in to heart)...while he was thinking of what to do for the rest of the days.. he came across this cake house, which was operating even at midnight.. curious, and being the ardent cake lover he is, kanda then walked into the shop and was immediately mesmerized by the wonderful cakes.

turned out the shop-owner, tachibana keiichirou(kipei shiina... looking surprisingly good here...surprisingly) has just transformed this previously an antique-selling shop into a cake house (hence the name), despite the fact that he hates cakes ( ah.. turned out he was kidnapped when he was young cuz he was very rich.. and was fed cakes everyday for two weeks.. eewwwww).

and the star of the shop, also the master baker is the.... mysterious ono yuusuke(naohito fujiki... so in theme with the mysterious, melancholic master.... oh my god). despite his good skills, he has often been given the sack by all his previous bosses ( have yet found out why) and despite his goooooooood looks, he has trouble dealing with women... whenever a women approaches him.. he will totally freak out and run away. ( how cute)

and then there's izuka momoko (koyuki... looking really sweet here.. compared to love complex), a sports reporter who wanted to do a sports feature on kanda but end up falling in love with yuusuke when she saw him for the first time.... (yuusuke came out of the kitchen.. forgot what he was doing but then when he wanted to walk back in, he and momoko exchange glances and ... haha.. the caption then was ...a woman shot in the heart by the arrow of love.. cute)

ah.. i think i'll just intro these few people first... anyway.. momoko and yuusuke is soooo cute! the funny stuffs inside the show can only be appreciated when u watch it.. haha... i love the part when yuusuke was saying it doesn't matter whether he fall in love in the future and momoko gets so angry... cuz he reacted like that due to a very painful love experience ( he fell in love with his sister-in-law when he was younger). and momoko told him: " for the sake of your brother and your sister-in-law, you must try again!!!" kanda and yuusuke was quite shocked to see her so agitated. then she said: "i must cure you of your fear. ok...i'll be your partner to practice. let's go for a date." and yuusuke was in such a shock... he said: "oh.. ok... thank you for your help. "

haha... sooooooooo cute.

listening to: mr. children -- youthful days

you are not alone

there is some fiction in your truth...
and some truth in your fiction.
to find out the truth, you must risk everything.

how true, how true.

that's probably the only line i understood from the whole nine animations in the much-talked-about feature, the animatrix. i don't know... maybe i haven't been through so many things in life to gain such a perspective on life to actually understand WHAT THE HELL the whole thing is trying to say. but.. oh well.. it wasn't THAT bad... it managed to provoke some emotions of mine.. and let's just face it... humans are actually going on the path of self-destruction.

as if this topic never came up.

graphic wise, the animation is pretty disturbing. machines get dismantled in front of your eyes... men bleeding, torn apart and screaming so pathetically, it almost makes you wonder if that's what you are going to face in say, 50 years? but the things that happen in the matrix.. well.. perhaps right now.. i'm just someone who's being duped and refuses to take the red pill in fear of facing the ugly truth. or is it the blue pill? damn.. it doesn't matter.

reality is virtual.

life is cruel i guess. reality gets into everyone's head and then i realize that my significant other will never look as good as fukuyama masaharu or have a character as nice as nagase hiromi. ah... the cruelities of life. doesn't it just hits you when seeing how some people gets EVERYTHING?

well.. i must say i ain't as negative as before. is that a good thing? well i suppose it is, since i don't toy with the idea of killing myself as often nowadays. and now, i wanna be part of a news team.. ah.. the wonder of media. they just make you follow what you see on tv, isn't it? but i guess it'll be a really interesting job though.. ok.. maybe my co-worker won't look as good. haha.

ok. i'm in a stage of self-denial.

listening to: tension -- tell me why