with or without you

what is it that you're looking for?
i don't have it here with you.
so quit.

busted 230 bucks on a new md player today!!! this feels so great... yet bloody at the same time. my heart is screaming with joy.. while my wallet is tearing in sorrow. but.. well.. the player's drop dead gorgeous.. and plain beautiful. i LOVE it.

i'm still feeling lost. i don't know why.
because i'm all alone?
maybe.. but i just feel funny.
damn.

listening to: utada hikaru -- with or without you (mtv unplugged)

colors

i've been happy for too long.
thus it's justified to fall into despair again.
i've tried.
i tried holding onto the edge.
i tried not to look down.
i tried not to fall.
but i did.
and it's not my fault.

what's the colour of desperation?
black?
i suppose... for it's the only colour i can identify.

what's the meaning of life?
to fall down... then to climb up.
to fall down.. then climb up.
it repeats.. over and over again.
never ending. never stops.
is that the meaning of life??

listening to: beethoven -- moonlight sonata

moonlight sonata

she opened her eyes...but she could virtually nothing.
she was surrounded by mist and silence.
absolute silence.
she could only hear the sound of her own breath.
her heartbeat.
she felt weak... and drained.
she could not even move.

"you're finally here."
a voice... gentle like a breeze sweeps through the mist to reach her.
it took her by alarm... but yet she could not who it belongs to.
then she heard footsteps... drawing near.

"what took you so long?"
she could not see who it was.
hair... silky and long like a waterfall...
eyes... glassy and deep.
he came near.

"who are you?"
that was all she could manage.
surprised even by the weakness displayed in her barely audible voice.
he grinned....

"you couldn't get to sleep? i thought i couldn't see you tonight."
he gently spoke.
and as he spoke.. she felt strange.
why is it that he could speak with such gentleness?
"who are you?" she asked again.

"you don't know me?"
he smiled... his stare never left her.
he held out his hand and gently lifted her head.

with a gentle kiss on her lips.. he smiled again.
"i'm here...because you are here."
she could not react... and could only repeat again.
"who are you?"

"i was born.. to protect you. you are safe. now sleep..."
then... he disappeared.
she could not do anything.. nor think of anything..
then her vision blurred.
then she slept.

i have no idea what the hell i'm writing here.. but if u think the guy is cool... haha.. think in the direction of Yue from Card Captor Sakura. it just so happens that he's sitting right in front of my comp as my wallpaper.

listening to: final fantasy x-2 -- eternity ~ memories of lightwaves ~

stem

There's a door here, but it will not break
There's a stone there, but it won’t remain
Up there a heaven now, but it will not wait
And the lies there, the scent of it , just too much
So should you,
Sow it once and make it grow,
The sweet clematis
Let it flower, and paint it all of the colors bold
Instantly things fall and fade,
Return to silence
Why oh why, why does it all feel so sorrowful?
Dreams of what is real

There's breath here, but it will not break
There's a face there, but it won’t remain
Up there a heaven now, but it knows no name
And the stain is the color of red through red
And thus, you cannot cry, confuse the lies,
Try to remember
When you rise, you take your steps
With a strong desire
Time goes by, a breath it comes,
like something given
Why oh why, why have these
Nightmares not long expired
The real is but a dream

From now on,
Should it grow and open full,
Ihe sweet clematis
Flower bold, but there's no need
for rejoicing more
Precious life, this life just once,
It comes just one time
Keep it close, keep it from ever just leaving you
Crying tears confusing fears they are no longer
When I stand I know I'll never be down again
Nothing that I need now,
Once it comes just one time
Somehow, somehow, someone, ah
Entry Number One

have i mentioned i went to sign up for i-go class? that's surround chess...weiqi by the way.
have i mentioned i want to sign up for kendo class?
it's expensive.. and thanks to kaoru in rurouni kenshin... takizawa hideaki in taiyou wa shimazunai...chen qi zhen in her xiao cong ming mv... and the korean girl in the korean movie volcano high...i wanna take this up.

not that i'm blaming them. i love them. ha

listening to: shiina ringo -- stem ~ daimyou asobi hen ~

ureshii... desu ka?

so tell me.
are you happy now?
are you as happy as i suppose you are?
are you as happy as you claim?
or you are just putting on a strong front?

so tell me.
are you happy now?
to see me not plunging into the depths of desperation and despair.
to see me not holding on to a knife...ever prepared to stab myself in the heart.
to see me not standing by the edge... ready to take the next step out.

so tell me.
are you happy now?
to see me in a dilemma.
to see me in a shock.
to see me in a state of mindlessness.

so tell me.
are you happy now?

i have no idea what i'm writing there... pardon me for that. right now.. i'm reading rurouni kenshin and watching the anime at the same time... boy do i love it! it's wonderful... and totally great... there are times of excitement and plain humour.. wonderful.

yesterday.. i was recapping itazura no kiss...a shoujo manga i read long time ago. i first watched the drama before reading the anime. if you are wondering.. the story's about kotoko.. who's in love with this really proud guy... naoki... eventually she won him over with her determination and never dying love.. haha.

and that's crap.

cuz i wasted so much time and effort on you. and you never bothered to look at me .. thanks.

does determination bring you EVERYWHERE?

not for me.

and oh yes.. i'm beginning to like younger guys... right now.. i guess i'm just someone really desperate.

right... nice.

listening to: final fantasy x-2 -- eternity ~ memories of lightwaves ~