naze(why)

ever get the kind of feeling where you realized that you don't deserve to be leading the good.. or so it seems...life that you are leading? when you see someone suffering and there's nothing you can do and you just feel like... you don't deserve everything that you have? ever felt like the world around you is changing and you are still in your comfort zone, unable to take a step out? ever been in a situation where your mum is crying her guts out and you are just so sick and tired of everyone...yet you can do nothing about it....you don't even know how to get her to stop ..how to set things straight again. or just plainly.. you get so sick of EVERYTHING you just wanna end it all?

i get these ALL THE TIME.

yep... no mistakes about it... ALL THE TIME. everytime i look at my sister.. i think.. why the hell did things come into this...stage/mode/whatever it is? you see everyone around yourself having a good time... you realized you are into the prime of your youth.. you realized that this is the perfect, golden period of your life... but you are just so damn held back. by what? by everything....BY EVERYONE. you cannot enjoy... you cannot see the colour of your life. you are being struck with the cruelities of life. you are stuck in a situation where death gets so near to you. stress.... pressure.. tension.. it just builds up. it's just waiting for any moment to strike you in the face and watch you fall to your death.

take the plunge.

every breath starts to become so precious cuz you never know when's your last. you start to get paranoid... wondering if you will ever be part of it....wondering if the grim reaper has decided to pull this stunt on you. if so.. when? how? beautiful isn't it? the uncertainties of life. that's what makes it so interesing, isn't it? there's no turning back... it's just there.

so what have you done to deserve all this? nothing. you don't have to do a thing. you can only assume that yourself, in probably the last era did something VERY undesirable to get all these crap, thrown at your face. you can only sit .. in the whirlpool of fate... waiting for it to bring you down. a wonderful world isn't it? you are chained by your destiny. you feel helpless. you sit there... looking at all the happenings but can do nothing to stop them. good or bad.. they just go on.

ah...i get that all the time.

ALL THE TIME.

listening to: tension -- every step